The Telemarketer’s Tale

In the old days a telemarketer would speak to you live on the phone, giving you his pitch in real time. Now he automatically calls up with a recorded message, still acting like your best friend.

I have an answering machine. This means I don’t have to pick up the phone to find a robot pseudo-friend on the other end. Usually I turn the sound off and don’t hear any of spiel. But I do end up with a frantically blinking red light telling me that a message has to be reviewed.

Just like skipping over TV commercials, avoiding telemarketer pitches is very beneficial for your mental health. And also like TV ads, the telemarketing come-ons are repeated over and over with the futile hope that on the tenth try you will cave in.

What follows is similar to my routine of reviewing answering machine messages as the weeks and months roll by.


* * *


“Hi, this is Karen McFriendly at Acme Debt Resolution. Don’t I sound perky and cute but sincere? I know that like most people you must have a lot of unpaid bills. Well, I can help you. Here at Acme Debt Resolution we can help you restructure and refinance your debt. Why do we do this? Because we care about you. Of course, we do charge a minimum handling fee to cover our costs, but if you call us at this toll-free number—“

[ERASE]



“Hi, this is Karen McFriendly at Acme Debt Resolution. Don’t I sound perky and cute but sincere? I know that like most people you must have a lot of unpaid—“

[ERASE]




“Hi, this is Karen McFriendly at Acme Debt Resolution. Don’t I sound perky—“

[ERASE]



“Hi, this is Karen McFriendly at Acme Debt—“

[ERASE]




“Hi, this is Karen McFriend—“

[ERASE]



“Hi, this is Kar—“

[ERASE]



“Hi, this—“

[ERASE]




“Hi—“

[ERASE]



“H—“

[ERASE]



“Hello… this is Karen McFriendly… I’m sorry to bother you. Don’t worry… I’m no longer at Acme Debt Resolution. You see, because you didn’t fall for their scam, I was fired. Now I really have to prostitute myself. I mean, I offer physical therapy massages at your home… for a minimum handling fee. Could you please call me at—“

[ERASE]